Sunday, March 29, 2015

This life gets harder!

I am feeling like shit lately! My depression seems to be resistant to treatment and my anxiety hits me out of nowhere. My fibromyalgia is really getting to me and I either cannot find anyone who accepts my insurance, treats fibro patients, or will see me if I don't qualify for injections. What kind of shit is that! Sorry, I am not feeling my nice self lately.

My neck, shoulder, and lower back have been really hurting and I even had a severe endo flare this month that felt like I was about to give birth to an unknown child! I have been in bed more than out and I hate it. It almost takes an act of The Heavenly Father to get me out of the house. Doing my YouTube videos makes me happy, so I try to keep up with that.

The Social Security determination process is adding to the stress. You have to fill out all these forms and call them for phone interviews, in hopes that at the end of the mess, they don't tell you no. Another factor! Not being able to pay bills because I'm not working...another factor. All this crap adds up to more pain and more depression, oh and much more anxiety! Who knows how to get through this without jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge??? Not that I can because I live in the Mid-Atlantic States! I'm just saying, I'm about to fracture into several different people. One for each situation that I have to deal with. One for each stressor!

Nothing seems to be getting better. The good thing is I don't want to kill myself, thought I still feel like I don't want to be here sometimes. Will be making a call to my therapist because we need to talk.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Disability, Social Security, and Those Who Have F%$#ed It Up For Us!

So. I spoke with a representative from the Social Security Administration Disability Determination division. Why is it that speaking to these people make you feel like you are on the spot? Why does it scare me to let these people know that I need help in order to get better? I know how bad I feel, but why am I intimidated because I may have to see a doctor that they contract to see if I am truly unable to work?

It's because I feel like my life is in their hands! They have the power to say yay or nay as to whether or not I will get the government help I need. And, I have to wait months to possible hear no. That is pressure! I think that I am hating on people who worked the system and made it bad for those of u who really need help. Those who have faked their way to a government payment so much, that we have to go through a firing squad to get what we legitimately need. I am hating on those who are sitting at home, getting all of the benefits that we need, and nothing is wrong with them! They get section 8 or public housing and can get their asses up and go to work and pay for these things when we truly cannot and have to wait years for these benefits because they have clogged the system.

Well the wait begins. And my life is on hold. And I could still be told no. And I'm scared.