Sunday, October 28, 2012

Endometriosis, The Life Sucking Monster!!!

Lately, I have been reading a lot of stories from women about their endometriosis journey. I can relate to all of the symptoms that we share and appreciated the ones that we don't.  It's good to know that I am not alone in this. But, I am a little overwhelmed with all of the different ways that endometriosis can affect my life.

My endo monster attacks me on a daily basis. Most of the day, everyday, I have some degree of pain. It seems that  the daily pain is increasing in intensity. I have been given all kinds of anti-inflammatory medication and narcotics to handle the pain. The anti inflammatory medications aren't working and the narcotics make me so sick that I never take them. My remedy for a bad pain flare is usually heat, even though it doesn't completely resolve my pain.

What I am really bothered by is the complete exhaustion that I feel. I call it chronic fatigue because I can never seem to get enough rest. Even on the weekends, when I am just running errands, like grocery shopping, can deplete me of whatever energy I had for that day. I spend a lot of time in bed trying to "catch up" on the rest that I feel like I'm not getting. I haven't had it so bad that I can't lift my head, but I do feel as though I require a mid day nap. Which also means that I won't sleep well that night. It s a vicious cycle, exhaustion, nap, no sleep at bed time, exhaustion, chores, devastating exhaustion, nap...

A new symptom that I am experiencing is abdominal bloating. I noticed that even though I am losing pounds, my pants are still tight around my abdomen. I can tend to look like I am early in a pregnancy on some days. I am having this weird spasm in my abdomen and intermittent diarrhea and constipation. This is making me emotional because while I wouldn't consider myself vain, I do care what I look like in my clothes, and I feel like I look like crap in most outfits. Endo is even lowering my self esteem! 

With all of these things going on, it is becoming hard to maintain a sense of normalcy. I am missing in action from activities that I loved in the past. Events such as the yearly breast cancer walk that I do with my sisters had been put on hold for the past couple of years. I have missed church services a LOT and the weekly Bible studies that I held for the teen girls has been halted. And working... well I have missed so much work that my bank account is screaming right along with my manager! I feel like I am about to get back on track at work and BAM!! I am in bed again with my heating pad. Because I never know what to expect form my body from day to day, I cannot make plans. I know I'm going to get fired. Not only from my job, but from several relationships. 

All of this is taking an emotional toll on me. Yes, I am also depressed and anxious. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall mentally, physically, and financially. I fell like I'm letting everyone down. I am now an unreliable person. Also, to me, it seems that people don't believe me because I don't look like a sick person. I cannot take it and now, all I can do is cry, scream, and grab my heating pad!