Saturday, November 10, 2012

The Reality of Endometriosis

My life seems like it has become a series of guilt inducing situations.

 It starts with the fact that I feel like an inadequate employee. Oh, I hear the comments that are made when I am unable to come to work because either I am so exhausted or I am having a pain flare. Those comments hurt me the most because these people really don't understand that I am doing the best I can. They don't know that I wake up some mornings, get out of bed, and stumble... I can barely stand, let alone walk. They don't realize that I am in bed all day; not being lazy and watching TV, but holding a heating pad as tight to my pelvis as possible, to try to take the edge off my pain. They don't know that I sleep a great deal of the day, not because of narcotic pain meds (which I avoid if at all possible), but because that's all my body can do. But I try to smile and keep going like everything is OK.

I also have guilt over the fact that I can no longer make plans. I would love to say yes, I will or yes, I can. It just doesn't work out that way.  Sometimes, if I do say yes, when the day comes, and pain is a constant reality, I have to call and bail out. It makes me seem like an unreliable flake.  That me lately, the unreliable flake. I've accepted!

I'm a student, too. I have missed a few assignments and my GPA is not what is could be. I feel guilty. But, my GPA is still good and I am learning to pace myself. I do assignments when I can concentrate and I have energy. I realize now that in warmer weather, I feel better, but it's going to take extra diligence in cold weather to get assignments done. My pain flares in the cold. Glad I realized that! I have decided to take as many of my classes online during the cold months. I can be warm, at my own desk at home and still working toward my degree.

I am learning to not feel guilty and that this Endo is not my fault. I am learning that there are days when I will have limitations and that I just need to go with the flow. There are days when I need more rest or when the pain will be too much and I can't do anything but take care of myself.  I have to be comfortable with what's going on with my body before I can expect anyone else to be. I know that. And I need not be defensive with people who don't understand, or just don't know what's going on with me. I have to come to terms with my Endo and create the most fulfilling life possible for me.